Couples Therapy

“Love has an immense ability to help heal the devastating wounds that life sometimes deals us. Love also enhances our sense of connection to the larger world. Loving responsiveness is the foundation of a truly compassionate, civilized society.” 

-Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight

Are you and your partner having issues?

• Are your arguments becoming more frequent or more intense?

• Are you having trouble communicating well in general? 

• Are you finding yourself avoiding your partner or home more often?

• Is your relationship losing it’s spark?

It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that your relationship has changed. Once the honeymoon phase is over, there are challenges that present themselves that we don’t always foresee. This can leave you feeling disconnected, lost, hurt, frustrated, and uncertain how to move forward back to a place of ease, wholeness, and connection. 

When communication with your partner becomes a battleground or totally avoided altogether, it can leave us feeling lost in a sea of tension and confusion. When the relationship feels threatened, we react and behave in ways we never imagined. Our insecurities arise, like fear of abandonment, or fear of being trapped in a nightmare forever. You may feel a world away from the person who at one point in time understood you the best. You may be at a point where you wonder what you’re even arguing about anymore or if this is really the person you want to commit to for the long term. The simplest tasks may be feeling close to impossible to accomplish together. 

Realizing that you are at a point where you need more support navigating the complexities of your relationship is the first step to improving it. The obstacles that have presented themselves in your relationship are there for you to see something deeper about both yourself and your partner. It is a sign that you are at a more intimate level in your relationship and that there is something more complex to be worked through in both yourself and in your partnership. It is an offering to see, to heal, and to connect.

Relationships can be challenging

Every relationship goes through waves of ease and hardship, ups and downs, playfulness and confusion. Though we are often conditioned to think our relationships should look like the ones we see in movies, eventually we realize that a real relationship isn’t just a “happily ever after.” You may be at a point in your relationship where you are unsure if it’s where you should be, questioning if it’s right to stay in it or not. Common problems that arise during challenging times in a relationship include:

• Feelings of disconnect

• Avoidant behavior

• Intense arguments or outbursts

• Shutting down

• Anxiety and Overwhelm

• Problems with sex and intimacy

• Jealousy

• Infidelity

• More

Couples therapy can be the gateway to healing

Getting help from a compassionate and competent therapist can support you in your journey toward growth both within you and in the relationship with your partner. In couples therapy, you will be provided with an intentional, safe space to talk about the issues that are arising with your partner, address the feelings and needs that are going unseen or unmet, and begin to find and rebuild the path toward understanding and connection with one another. 

In couples therapy we will:

• Identify ongoing patterns and behaviors that are no longer serving the relationship

• Address the major issues, including unmet needs, and unseen feelings present (both at the surface and underlying)

• Find and develop a style of communication that works for the relationship based on your unique attachment style

Our relationships act as the opportunity for deep connection and joy, while also allowing us to see the parts of ourselves that are still wounded in order to come to a place of healing and wholeness. Attachment styles based on our earliest models of relating with parents or caregivers impact how we then attach to one another as adults - either getting in the way of our healing work or ultimately helping us to thrive. These wounds can affect not only how we relate with our partners, but can also impact how we relate with our peers, children, colleagues, close friends, and other important people in our lives. In couples therapy, I use a mix of attachment theory and EFT (Emotionally focused therapy) to inform the work we do. By understanding our attachment styles and that of our partners combined with identifying the emotions arising while in relationship, we come to know more of what we need and what our partner needs so that when conflict arises we are better equipped to working through it.

Common Questions that arise when considering couples therapy:

“Won’t couples therapy make things worse for us?”

Therapy can inevitably bring things to the surface that were once dormant or hidden. It can unearth old wounds and make them more visible to both you and your partner. In this sense, it can heighten your awareness of issues that have always been there and cause some stress. However, a good therapist will ideally help you to be with whatever is arising in a way that is tolerable, and furthermore help you and your partner in finding what it is that is needed in order to support one another through these difficult processes when they inevitably arise again - in practicing this in therapy, the idea is that you will then be able to take this practice with you outside the session. During these emotionally intimate moments in couples therapy, we are able to more clearly see how to best support the other and in turn create a more conscious and effective relationship.

“My partner doesn’t want to come to couples counseling…”

I offer a free initial phone consultation to ensure we will be a good fit before starting therapy. During this call, I can answer any questions or concerns that may be arising as well as offer a glimpse into the work we will be doing together. It is my goal to create an environment where each person feels safe, seen, and heard. My hope is that your partner will be able to feel that from the very beginning of treatment and throughout each session together. It is also my hope that any resistance that shows up in the therapy can be spoken to and explored. 

“I’m worried the therapist will take sides…”

A good therapist is aware of remaining unbiased for the sake of both the well-being of the clients and for the effectiveness of the therapy. In couples therapy, my aim is not to compare or judge the feelings and wishes of one to another, but instead to create a space where both people are able to have an equal sharing of their unique, authentic experiences.